I’m sometimes asked for the formula for a happy marriage. There are some founded in research and science and many more anecdotal and subjective. Either way it’s nice to hear from those that have actually had the experience of a long term relationship (average of 44 years), maybe we can all learn something from them.
In a recent study at Cornell University, gerontologist Karl Pillemer surveyed 700 people married for 40,000 years, yes 40,000 years !! The outcome was a list of recommendations derived from the collective wisdom of the participants with the average age of 77.
By the way the couple married the longest were 98 and 101 and had been married 76 years !!
So what’s their formula for a happy marriage?
Learn to communicate:
The overwhelming message that came from the participants was to communicate. Open communication allows couples to problem solve and to air concerns or grievances before they turn into something more damaging like resentment and anger. Importantly, those people that had divorced etc blamed a lack of communication.
Get to know your partner very well before marrying:
Even though many participants married young, their advice was the opposite. Get to know your partner, have some shared experiences with them before getting married. A very strong message with this advice was “Never get married expecting to be able to change your partner”.
Treat marriage as an unbreakable, lifelong commitment:
The idea of lifelong commitment to each other (and the marriage) was very strong. Many couples in long term relationships have difficult moments, those times they struggle and maybe even question that commitment. It was reported that working through those tough times and finding ways to resolve issues led to a more fulfilling marriage in the longer term.
Learn to work as a team:
Applying lessons learned from other aspects of our lives is important as well as seeing a problem as a collective one, something that both partners can (and in some cases, should) work on together. Supporting each other whether it’s work, friend or family related is very important to the success of a relationship.
Choose a partner who is similar to you:
Marriage can be difficult at times but if you share similar values, interest etc, those times can be easier. Three of the most critical areas that a need for similarity are parenting, money and religion.
The importance of being able to turn towards your partner, especially in times of difficulty and work on problems together in a spirit of trust, commitment & understanding cannot be understated.