Diffuse Physiological Arousal (DPA) or flooding is our body’s way of getting ready to cope with threats (whether real or perceived).

Think of it as the Fight/Flight response, we’re getting ready to fight or run. Our heart rate starts going up, breathing increases, our hands might start trembling or we start getting a little cold, our body is getting ready. At that time, we’re looking for trouble, we’re ready to react to whatever comes our way and we’re not going to be able to communicate effectively (if at all) and if we try, the chances are it’s going to go badly.

When flooded, our ability to effectively listen is diminished. We’re not hearing each other and no one is feeling heard. This kind of interaction is not productive and doesn’t help to move the relationship to a better place. If we let flooding take control, our partners may start feeling emotionally unsafe which then can lead to disengagement and emotional distance (stonewalling).

So here’s a nice way to work on flooding:

• Agree on a phrase or hand signal and use this to when one or both of you is flooded OR when the conversation between you is deteriorating (maybe use the Gottman Repair Checklist to help).

• Stop ALL verbal (and non verbal) communication.

• Separate physically by leaving the room or at the very least away from each others immediate vicinity.

• Before continuing, take time to self-soothe. This doesn’t mean you go away and think about how you are going to respond or think of new points to raise, it’s about working at getting your body back to a less aroused state (reducing heart rate & breathing etc).

The next part is really important and don’t be tempted into not doing it.

The person calling the time out needs to make sure :

• The conversation continues when the two of you can sit down and calmly discuss things (within no less than 20 minutes and no more than 24 hours after the “time out” was called)
• They set the tone for that conversation

Here’s a couple of ways we can tell if we’re flooding/flooded :

Someone’s trying to say something and you’re getting your counter-argument ready or thinking of the last time they messed up or maybe even finding a good time to compare them with one of their parents. Well the chances are you’re flooded and the ability to have that conversation where we want to understand them, have a little patience or compassion is compromised.

or

Someone is trying to explain how they feel (and are quite “passionate” about it) and you close your eyes (or look away) trying to block out what they’re saying, maybe you just leave the room without saying a word, once again the chances are, you’re flooded.

Three things John Gottman says never to say in a fight:

1. “You Never”
2. “You Always”
3. Anything Insulting or Acting Superior

A short video from the Gottman Institute on how to complain (and not blame).