Of course it is ! Really, generally speaking, what differentiates a friendship from an intimate relationship ? You got it …. SEX.
Building blocks & sex
Lets look at a common relationship (a friendship), in this case between two guys. They talk to each other, they spend time together, they support and look after each other (in their own way). Simply put, these are building blocks for an intimate relationship (friendship).
When it comes to emotional intimacy, there can be varying levels (and different ways) to express ourselves but it can (and does) exist in friendships. Can two men (or women) be emotionally invested, connected without physical intimacy ? Of course.
Now, let’s ramp up the physical intimacy, from a simple handshake to a hug/embrace. Now we are physically expressing our feelings (intimacy) towards our friend.
Oh and yes, friends can live together too.
So to summarise, can a friendship have emotional intimacy ? Yes. Can it have physical intimacy ? Yes. Can they live in the same house ? Yes. So there is a line we cross when we go from a friendship to an intimate relationship (friendship). For many, the main (or only) difference between a friendship and an intimate relationship is physical intimacy…. sex.
“But wait !” I hear, “what about friends with benefits ?”. Good question, let’s keep it simple, something that that kind of friendship/relationship starts off to be and sometimes becomes more complicated.
So what is it ?
What’s the difference ? Where’s that line ? Why does it feel different ? Well I believe it’s a personal thing. What we each “get” from that intimacy varies but it’s enough for us to do “other” things, behave differently. One thing that does tend to happen is that when move into an intimate relationship we develop a bond that is different to our friends. A bond that is at least in part created (and nurtured) through physical intimacy and sex.
Emotional Needs
I want to introduce a concept about emotional needs. Picture a jar, stick a label on it and on that label write “emotional intimacy”. Now you have a jar, a container for your emotional needs, when those needs are met it gets fuller. It’s like the Love Tank in the book “5 Love Languages“. Fuller it is better we feel about me, you and us.
Now put a second jar next to the first, put a label on it and write “physical intimacy” on it. The same concept applies, fuller the better.
So we have two jars, the same size (no different and neither more important than the other) that hold different types of intimacy. In an intimate relationship these can (and often) do have different importance to each partner. For some, all they need is emotional intimacy (physical is not important), some it’s the opposite and for others it’s a mix.
Imagine I said your emotional needs are irrelevant, not important but physical needs are relevant and important, you can easily imagine the “tsunami of comments” that would come my way. Rightly so, I’m minimising your emotional needs, I would be saying what you need/want/desire is unimportant, not so nice.
So now let’s flip the coin what if physical intimacy (sex) is the only way you can fill your emotional intimacy jar ? It’s like, when your physical intimacy jar is filling up, you pour it into your emotional jar. Think of it this way, does/can the emotional jar filled a little when you make love and it really does feel like two become one ?
So imagine you are like that and I said your physical needs are irrelevant, not important but emotional needs are relevant and important. It’s quite often considered ok to minimise the importance of physical intimacy but yet while I am minimising your physical needs I am minimising your emotional needs, I would be saying what you need/want/desire is unimportant.
I’m not sure about you, but to hear that my (your) emotional well-being is unimportant because my (your) method of filling the same jar is different makes me amongst other things, sad.
Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying you must have sex whether you want it or not but what I am saying is just remember that if you get a tap on the shoulder you may be being told that your partner want’s a connection to help fill their jar, their love tank. Take the time to help fill their jar (and maybe even yours) or not, reject their bid for connection (or not) or find an alternative, try see the opportunity for what it is, an opportunity to top up both of your jars.
Oh and one last reminder about sex, it should never be used to control, punish, manipulate or abuse your partner (of course unless it’s consensual).