Marriage counsellors & how to choose a good one

What do you look for when choosing a marriage counsellor ?

 

The “simple” answer, look for a counsellor that truly specialises in working with couples.

Be careful about choosing a therapist that works primarily with individuals but “specialises in marriage counselling”. It’s like getting a plumber to work out why your lights keep on going off, sure they could do it but are you getting the right kind of help ?

Why ?

So let’s look at why marriage counselling (couples therapy) needs to be seen as a speciality and not just something that a therapist does to fill up their appointment book or another way to claim rebates on the public health care system. Yes it’s harsh (but true for some).

Most mental health professionals are trained to work with individuals first and foremost, some may choose to work with families and couples and only some of those get specialist training in family therapy or couples therapy.

Just because a therapist is trained to work with individuals doesn’t mean you can work with couples (or families) as a marriage counsellor.

 

In an article by Elizabeth Weil for The New York Times, Richard Simon, editor of Psychotherapy Networker noted that “It’s widely acknowledged that couples therapy is the most challenging. The stakes are high. You’re dealing with volatility.”

“The traditional, passive uh-huh, uh-huh is useless,” Mr. Terry Real (Family Therapist) says. “You have to like action. To manage marital combat, a therapist needs to get in there, mix it up with the client, be a ninja. This is intimidating.”and “It’s frightening to be faced with the force of two strong individuals as they are colliding”

In a separate article, Dr.Ellyn Bader says couples therapy “can feel like piloting a helicopter into a hurricane.”

So you can see that relationship (marriage) counselling is pretty unique needing a therapist that is able to meet the uniqueness that each couple brings to the counselling rooms.

 

So what do you look for ?

Here are some things that will help choosing a couples therapist:

• Look for someone that has had specific training in evidence based couples therapy
• Ask about the level of training they have and whether it’s certified training or “self-taught”
• Ask the therapist what their stance is on divorce. Do they sit on the fence or advocate for marriage, divorce or even trial separation ? Divorce is usually messy, complicated and very disruptive especially for our kids
• Does the counsellor do online and face to face marriage counselling ?
• Do they really specialise in couples therapy or is it something else they “specialise” in
• What percentage of their work is with couples and how much with individuals ?