Ever wonder why your relationship can go nuclear real quick ? Well MAD behaviour has something to do with it.
Mutually Assured Destruction (MAD)
Mutually Assured Destruction is something you hear when talking about the nuclear arms race or the cold war between Russia and America but not when you talk about relationships, right ?
So our relationships can go ballistic, nuclear, our conversations escalate, turn into arguments and even into maybe for some, full scale war. Sounds familiar ? Sounds like what can happen between countries, sort of sounds like what happens in your relationship, you know when it’s good it’s good, when it’s bad it’s, well you put in your description.
MAD behaviour is can keep wounds open, quite often has nothing to do about dealing with the issues in a positive and constructive manner but more to do with the pain and anger that one or both feel at the time. What makes it MAD is that both partners engage in either the same or different behaviour.
Here are some examples of what I call MAD behaviour :
- “Why should I change if he/she won’t”
- Bringing other people in during an argument to (whether by referring to them as examples etc or actually dragging them in to support your argument). By the way, using children to support your argument or be your support is something that shouldn’t be done.
- Using a carrot/stick approach with your partner especially without having clearly defined needs/goals
- Seeing your therapist/coach and not doing any reading/homework/practice between sessions
- Not celebrating the wins (the losses or “failures” are certainly highlighted).
- Allowing other people to be the trigger for conflict (extended family is always a good example)
- Being too focused on a goal (target fixation) and losing sight of why you’re doing it
- Acting out the frustration and anger rather than finding a better way to talk about it
- Having “digs” at each other, sarcasm, contempt, criticism, name calling etc
Now take a look at some of these examples
Why change when they won’t ? Wow all sorts of reasons such as, living to your values, being your best in the relationship regardless of what the other person is doing, modeling more positive behaviour for others especially the kids, knowing (& doing) what needs to be done for the relationship so that you can go to bed (or even leave) knowing you did your best. Yes easier said than done.
On that, I have seen partners take that path that changes the dynamics in the relationship in such a positive way that also encourages positive change in the other. Sometimes the old “Help me help you” works.
Of course having said that, there are some relationships where the damage (being) done is too great and that separation/divorce is the best option. Doing the right thing and continually being abused is a good sign that one or both of you need to seek professional help, to get help to change the behaviour(s) etc or to separate.
The carrot/stick approach can be described as “setting boundaries”. This is like saying “this is what I want our relationship to look like in the future, let’s talk about it more”. What really helps is to have clearly defined goals or needs. Remember there are flexible and inflexible needs, declare the inflexible ones and if you have to negotiate and maybe even compromise on some flexible ones. To not consider negotiation/compromise on a truly flexible need could be seen as MAD. 😐
Now if the carrot is not clearly defined or understood, that can give your partner the feeling that the goal posts are moving. Now changing the rules mid game not only demotivates and frustrates your partner but also erodes their trust in you (yes you can become untrustworthy in their eyes) and finally hope that things will get better fades.
Once again, celebrate the wins, try to find that “Good Enough” mark. It’s not the high water mark (which is what you’re really looking for) but good enough to float the boat again and start enjoying things more. It’s not to say “you’re good enough” because that sounds, well, nasty but a clear line that says we’re at a better place.
Target fixation, if you haven’t heard of it, that’s ok, look it up you might see examples all around you and maybe you might have a little of it too. So a few examples can be :
- working to long/hard to make money for the house, pay the debts, get that promotion
- focusing on the children and not setting aside time for you (and the relationship). Yes the relationship is important for the kids so find the time to spend on each other too.
- spending too much time on extracurricular activities and not allowing “us” time. eg a sport, hobby, friends etc
I have seen couples break up because of all these (and more) have been present in their relationship and they waited too long to start getting back on track or didn’t know how to and didn’t reach out to get the help.
I see target fixation as part of our need to nurture and provide but quite often stops us seeing the big picture, that we’re raising the children in a family, building the house for the family, getting the promotion (hopefully to make more money) for the family but yet our behaviour is so focused that the one thing that starts getting lost is, family.
So finally on MAD behaviour, look it as the behaviour that gets in the way of your/our goals and dreams to have a better relationship. Ask yourself, is this behaviour going to get me closer to my goals and dreams or is it taking me away ? If it’s the latter, change it, do something different even if you’ve tried it before, you never know it may just work. 🙂